Friday, February 1, 2013

F*@&ing Bruce Willis

          I don't remember when it all began but thanks to Facebook, I have a record of when it happened last.  On January 4, 2013 I updated my Facebook status to the following:

When my husband begins a story with, "Ya know how I'm invincible?" I know I'm about to hear some shit that is going to make me sick. "The attic steps fell out while I was on them", "I used my ninja skills when I fell off the roof", "I flipped my tractor", "The power line was still live", and today, "A house collapsed on me". Jesus Christ.

     This afternoon I telephoned my husband to see when he would be climbing down off of his roof because I had a beautiful ham in the oven and he is the only member of our family who actually likes the stuff.  Due to several cell phones falling to their dooms, Ariel now leaves his phone in the truck when he is up on a roof' so I knew he wouldn't  answer my call.  I left a message about the ham and waited for him to call me back.

     And call back he did.  I answered our phone and heard, "Hello, Bruce calling".

     "What happened?" I sighed.

     Bruce Willis has been a thorn in my side since my early twenties when Ariel lost his first hair or two.  Instead of celebrating the millions of other dark, wavy, loyal hairs still residing in his scalp, he took out his clippers and shaved his entire head without a guard.  He rationalized this insane behavior by saying, "If Bruce Willis can do it, I can".  Now, a decade later, Bruce Willis has become Ariel's alter ego because he considers himself "Unbreakable".

     Bruce reared his shaven head today while our hero was putting a new roof on one of his rental homes.  One moment Ariel was working away and the next there was bunch of noisy commotion as the nails holding the plank Ariel was standing on gave way and he went flying off of the roof.  He must have remembered the summer he used a ladder as a pole vault for an Olympic landing off of another roof he fell from because today he grabbed a miraculously placed ladder as he dove to his death, and managed to swing himself into a position that enabled him to land on his catlike feet.

     For all of those concerned, yes, he has excellent life insurance.  Thank you.



  1. What about when the trailer collapsed? That was pretty "Unbreakable".

  2. And Enzo wants to move to Hollywood! Pfft. He could just go to work with Daddy. He's living a blockbuster!!!!