Sunday, July 29, 2012

All Because Two Nerds Fell in Love

Enzo is opening  the Lego Pirates of the Caribbean Wii game
the Witherells gave him for his tenth birthday. 

     Today is a rainy day and Enzo is passing his time playing his new Pirates video game.  He has almost conquered the entire game in the week he has owned it (he might have been passing a few sunny hours playing the game as well).  He just complained to me that he really wants to add Davey Jones to his cast of characters but he needs five thousand coins to get him.  This seems an impossible amount to my young son.  Reluctant to encourage anything that has to do with that blasted video game system but concerned that my boy is becoming too lazy for even video games I murmur, "I bet you can do it".

     A look of complete joy crosses Enzo's face and he enthusiastically says, "Well then, I'd better get crackin'!"  There was a moment's pause before we both started laughing.

     My mother always told me there are different kinds of humor for different kinds of people.  She would say this whenever one of us kids would use bodily function humor, reminding us it was the lowest form of humor and reserved for the simplest of people.  I thought about this as my son and I wiped laughter tears from our eyes.  A joke that plays on words concerning mythical sea creatures must be reserved for nerds.  

     I never planned on bringing four nerds into this world but let's face it, when two nerds fall in love...  Well, it was just plain silly to expect anything else.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Home Decorating with Mrs. Jones

     If I tried to put a label on the decorating style of our home it would have to be Shabby S#!%. That said, there are two things in our home that I think are worth sharing with you.

1) The urinal.

     Ariel came home from work a couple of years ago, on what he probably remembers as the happiest day of his life, with a urinal held tightly in his grasp.  Upon installing it he remarked, "Finally, the luxury and decadence of a public restroom in my very own home".  Ladies, trust me, even if your husband hasn't said so  yet, he wants a urinal.  Let him have it.  You'll enjoy never having to wonder if someone forgot to lift the seat.    Fellas, you will be the envy of all your friends if you treat yourself to this one thing.  Ariel has received such positive feedback on his urinal ownership that he has considered becoming a urinal sales and installation specialist!  Little Aston defined himself as all grown up the first day he was able to reach the urinal to do his business.

2) The chalk board wall.

Even the baby likes it!
     What a blast!  Countless hours of entertainment plus a great place to put reminders.  I just saw in Better Homes and Gardens Magazine that chalkboard paint is now available in a rainbow of colors.
Wishing Enzo a happy 10th

     So there you have it, my two cents on home decorating.  After years of reading  mountains of home magazines, watching countless hours of HGTV over at my sister's house, and putting together two apartments and three houses, this is what I've come up with.  Let your men pee standing up and let your kids draw on the walls. Enjoy.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Traveler's Log

A wedding in the family inspired the Joneses to pile into the trusty Honda and drive through the night to Ohio where a good portion of our family is stashed.  The Wee Jonesies were very excited to visit their great grandparents and assorted cousins, aunts and uncles.  This trip would be the first time Baby Dorothy met the Ohio crew which includes Maw Maw Grace, the inspiration for Dorothy's middle name.  Ariel drove the first shift.  I had a couple of Red Bulls in a cooler and knew I could drive at any time thanks to those babies so I let him go first.

     At 1.7 miles Aston asks, "Are we there yet?"

     At 44.6 miles a suspicious smell tells us Dorothy's whining is not for nothing so we pull off the highway to a Dunkin' Donuts where we see a beautiful blonde woman in cat ears, a sequin shorts and bra set and black hooker boots making her way across the parking lot presumably to pay for gas.  I decide traveling is fun.

     At 51 miles a milk truck honked for the kids.  That was a pleasant distraction form the baby's five minute crying jag.

     At 53 miles our fearless leader Ariel announces, "There is nothing like a doughnut to be completely enticing then not taste all that good and leave you feeling sick by the time you are done".  He then launched his first F- bomb of the trip at a truck in front of us.

     At 62.6 miles after seven rounds of The Alphabet Song performed by Clara and me, Dorothy falls asleep.  Enzo decides this is the perfect time for an air guitar solo with his amp cranked to eleven.  He stopped when I shot him a look that said, "If you wake that baby I will kill you with my eyeballs alone".

     At 69.9 miles Aston says, "I want to go home", for the first time.

     At 90.5 miles we've pulled out the T.V. to distract poor Aston but the boys are sitting in the third row and can't hear Bugs and Daffy who are in the second row.  We have a two screen set up so I attach one screen to the headrest of Clara's second row seat with the intention of attaching the other screen to my headrest but the cord won't reach so Clara has to hold her screen.  There is a power outlet in the trunk that would solve all of our problems but I don't dare ask Clark Griswald to pull over.

     At 95.4 miles Ariel asks, "Do I keep passing this same suburban over and over?  It is like Brer Rabbit."  I   didn't give him the response he was looking for so he continued with, "You know, and the tortoise".  I smiled and nodded while scanning the children's literature and fables section of my memory trying to answer the nagging questions in my mind, Who the heck is Brer Rabbit? and Isn't it the tortoise and the hare?.

     At 108.3 miles Dorothy is awake and crying again.  Clara doesn't want to watch T.V. anymore so she hands me her screen which knocks the power out of both screens.  I ask Ariel what he did to fix the screens before the trip and he tells me he didn't have to do anything.  They were fine when he plugged them in.  I explained to him that they always worked when first turned on.  The power turns off mid movie and I could swear I explained that to him before we left.  Whatever, we have no T.V. and a crying baby.  Fantastic.

     At 124.2 miles I attempt to breastfeed standing over a car seat.  I'd pulled this stunt years before with Clara and figured I could pull it off again.

     At 136 miles after dozing off for a second Dorothy is very upset and breaking my heart.

     At 174.5 miles Dorothy is asleep, phew.  The first thing I forgot at home makes it's self known at this point.  Aston wants a blanket,  There are no blankets.  I offer him a dress out of my suitcase but he is very uncomfortable with the idea.  It sounds a little too much like wearing a dress for him.  He decides instead to use a pillow on his legs.  Ariel cheerfully says that we are making good time like I might care.  Sad uncomfortable children are making me sad and uncomfortable.

     At 222 miles Aston falls asleep after saying, "Mommy it is night time.  Daddy needs to turn the car around and go home.  I need my bed".  The second thing I forgot becomes known at this point.  There is no garbage bag for the orange peels left over from Aston's bedtime snack.

     At 241.9 miles I realize I forgot my pillows.

     At 287.1 miles I push one of my Red Bulls on Ariel with the warning that it is the worst tasting drink on the planet.  Think liquid wet wipes.

     At 309 miles I hear a strange sound in the van.  Enzo is crying.  He has to pee.  I timidly tell Clark Griswald he has to pull over and he tries to scold me for not telling him four seconds before because he JUST drove by a rest stop but I hiss something into his ear about him pulling out his headphones and me not being psychic and he leaves me alone.  When we finally do pull over the timing is perfect.  The baby is ready to eat so two birds are killed with one stone.  Ariel informs me we are getting f-ing great mileage at twenty five miles to the gallon considering how much weight we are moving with so many people and so much stuff crammed in the van.

     At 422 miles Ariel pulls off so we can switch drivers.  I slam my Red Bull in two sips and hop behind the wheel.

     At 432 miles I think back to Ariel's comment on how heavy our family is and try to figure out how much The Joneses weigh as a unit.  I have to laugh because even seated among my sleeping family crunching numbers in the privacy of my mind I have managed to lie about my weight.

     At 644.9 miles Ariel has crawled back behind the wheel for I don't know what reason because I'm still flying on caffeine and could easily get out and push the van the rest of the way if necessary.  Ariel  pulls into a McDonald's to get an Egg McMuffin and a coffee.  The kids are up even though it is only 4:30am.  I tell them we will get them each a milkshake.  This turns out to be a bold faced lie because the nearly asleep voice in the drive thru box says, "We take our milkshake machine apart at 2:30 every morning for cleaning".  I growl something about there is no way in Hell it takes two hours to clean the stupid machine but Ariel shouts his order over me.  At the first window Ariel manages to overpay by a dollar.  At the second window he is handed a nearly empty cup of coffee but doesn't complain because he is so shocked to see that Mr. T is now a woman and works the drive thru window of a midwestern Mickey D's.

     At 660.1 miles a delighted Aston says, "Ooh YAY! Red STARS!!!!"  but his bored older brother squashes his enthusiasm with a cool, "Those aren't stars.  They're towers".

     At 673.2 miles Aston tries again with, "ALIEN SPACESHIPS!!!!!"

     We made it in one piece.  We enjoyed our visit with our family tremendously.  We even survived the ride home.  Yet I am petrified because another of Ariel's cousins is getting married next year and we plan to be there and I don't think there is a teleporter in our budget this year.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Dotty G.

Two days ago my eight month old crawled across the room.  Ariel and I joked the next day, "Work on walking and potty training today, Baby".  Today Dorothy pulled herself up to standing and let go.  She stood there for a bit before deciding to grab Daddy's knee and lower herself back down.  Dorothy Grace might be the toughest Jones to keep up with!

Dental Check Up

The kids had their six month dental check up yesterday.  Aston was the last to go.  He was good about the cleaning, didn't squirm, cry, or bite.  When the dentist was finished with him he popped up and exclaimed, "I'm still alive!".  Makes you wonder what was going through his head while he was sitting there so very still.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Operation Blue Goggles

     While on our way to an afternoon of swimming Aston requested a new pair of goggles as his were the victim of a tragic Monkey in the Middle incident.  I really wanted to encourage Aston's new found bravery in the pool but I really didn't want to unload the troops an extra time for one little pair of goggles.  BING! This is the sounds of a bell ringing as a light bulb appears over my head.  Enzo has probably been to the Family Dollar a billion times in his decade on this planet.  I could just give him five bucks and send him in to the store to fetch the goggles.  So I asked Enzo if he was up to the task and, what do you know, he was excited to do it!  This is a rare, triple win situation.  Aston would get his goggles and maintain an unbroken swimming learning curve. I would be subjected to minimal unbuckling and buckling of seat belts.  Enzo would have a giant leap toward independence under his belt.  POP!  This is the sound of the light bulb disappearing from above my head. This particular POP occurred at the same time my right turn signal was going CHHT CHHT and Enzo was saying, "Mom, is it o.k. to put squirrels in your pants...if it is for gambling purposes?"

     I completed the right turn, then the following left.  I found a parking space and turned off my engine before I spoke.  "Enzo, maybe I'd better go and look for the goggles".

Enzo in our only pair of non leaky goggles
     Enzo's disappointment was clear so I told myself there was no opportunity for gambling in the twenty feet from the car to the store and let him go.  As it turned out there were only very leaky Marvel Super Hero goggles inside so Enzo decided not to waste our money by making that purchase.  What a big boy.