Saturday, February 16, 2013

3:00 pm, Cleaning Day

Time to break out the most important cleaning product in my arsenal:
 $1.00.  10 calories.  Five hours of cleaning  (even though my body wants to crawl into bed and fall asleep).

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

High Apple Pie In The Sky Hopes

     Enzo chose dinner time to ask Ariel and me if we have money set aside for his college education.  Since our money is really Ariel's money I figured I'd let him answer this question while I entertained myself with a snarkey, "We don't have money set aside for next weeks groceries", in my head.  After giving myself a well deserved chuckle I turned my attention to my beloved who clearly hadn't expected this question from a boy who had propositioned his fifth grade math teacher to perform teacher assisted suicide so he wouldn't have to do any more work.  Truth be told, I didn't expect Enzo to bring up college either.  Someone must have put the idea in his head.  I could see that Ariel was about to tell the child that we do not have money set aside for his further education and I was not about to have Enzo and/or whoever put this idea in his head, worrying about something so far in the future so I quickly interjected, "Daddy invested (and by "invested", Dear Reader, I meant took full advantage of the banks liberal lending of days gone by) in real estate.  We don't have a pile of cash to pay your college tuition BUT we can just sell Daddy's houses when the time comes" (and then, Dear Reader, we'll pray we have enough equity to cover the gas required to drive him to the closest community college).  At this, I watched Ariel choke on his macaroni and cheese because he, of course, plans to use his rentals as his retirement.  Whatever!  I was already used to the idea of my college degree holding children and nothing was going to stop me.

     When Ariel regained the ability to breathe he said, "Son, when the time comes we'll figure out a way for you to go to college".  I could tell Ariel was also now the proud parent of future college graduates.  Enzo started going on about going to college to learn how to work with computers and design web sites when Aston squeaked, "Mom. Dad.  Can I quit college?"


     "Can I quit college?"

     Sigh "Yeah, Aston.  You can do what ever you want".

     "HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!  I CAN QUIT COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!"

    Well,  the upside of  Aston dropping out of college at the age of five, I suppose,  is that Ariel can hold on to his dream of retiring, ever.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Getting Ready

     Dorothy and I had to run errands today.  I have a hard time running errands that involve me taking the baby out of her car seat more than once, and this particular day's errands involved two stops.  I only agreed to do it because I essentially contribute nothing to our household so when Air asks a favor of me I try to accommodate him.

     I hopped in the shower at the crack of noon, realizing that I'd have to take all of the kids with me if I didn't get on it.  After Dorothy and I were dressed I cooed to her that it was time to put her shoes on.  She ran away from me.  I assumed she was hiding from me.  Ugh, why can't Ariel just let me hold down the sofa.    Be the hermit I was meant to be?  Why do I have to go out with children?  Why do I have to spend my life chasing babies?  While I reflected on the unfair hand life dealt me, Dorothy came back with a pair of shiny black sling back five inch pumps in her hands.  SHOES!  I have to admire the girl for thinking they were a good choice to visit the ladies at Bank of America and First Niagara and felt a little bad as I buckled her Mary Janes for her.

     Fifteen months old!  Fifteen years old should be interesting!  

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Perpetual Motion

     It is three a.m. and half of me is in Dorothy's bed  nursing her back to sleep (the other half of me is either dangling in mid air or on the floor).  I'm simultaneously cursing myself for ignoring that genius Dr. Ferber for the fourth time and consequently raising another individual who can't possibly shut their eyeballs without a boob in their mouth or consume all of their calories during normal business hours, listening for Aston and/or Clara to request a beverage (in a cup - thank God for small favors), and soulfully thanking universe for my miscarriage in October, because I need another insomniac/food addict in this house like I need a hole in the head.

     Thinking of eating and the children makes me start to ponder the unbelievable amount of Fruity Pebbles and Cookie Crisp we've blown through this week.  If I ate half as much sugar and whole milk with trace amounts of grain as my children do, I'd be a HOUSE (as it stands I'm a mobile home, or at least a camper)!  Why do Aston and Clara look like they've just been released from Bergen Belsen?

     It took a couple of hours, but I think I got my answer.  Aston ran up beside me in the kitchen and requested a bowl of, you got it, Fruity Pebbles, all the while performing a sort of river/break dance.  Then he did an impression of what I can only describe as a vibrating octopus over to the breakfast table where he proceeded to wiggle uncontrollably in his chair.  I then scanned the Clara section of my memory and noticed I have not one memory of that child sitting still.  I haven't seen Enzo's ribs in a couple of years, but then I haven't seen him get his heart rate above 10 bpm in just about the same time frame.

     So the challenge of the day is to see what it feels like to stay in constant motion.  Lari, my mother-in-law, walked by me doing a sort of pee-pee dance in the family room, and calmly snorted, "I give you an hour".  She might be right.  I'm short of breath and beginning to sweat, which I detest entirely, but I also feel a little manic and have offered to help the kids clean their bedrooms, something I deemed an impossible dream from my corner of the couch just yesterday.

     If any of you have or had hyperactive children under your roof and would like to join me in impersonating them, please, please, please, get back to me and let me know how it went!


Friday, February 8, 2013

What's NOW In Fashion

In order to help you stay on top of current fashion trends we've enlisted the expertise of our top fashion gurus.  We are noticing a strong Western theme in today's fashion...
Cowboy (or in this case, cowbaby) hats are a must right now.  They can be worn to the train table OR
to the breakfast table!

Bandits everywhere will want to remember
bandannas covering your ENTIRE face are better for keeping dust at bay and disguising your identity than bandannas merely pulled up to your nose.

And this just in:
no matter where you stand on Obama's gun control, you can still rock a holster.  Simply add or omit firearm depending on your position.  Our model's cutting edge cosmetic technique can be achieved by eating the dirt from your favorite house plant.

Switching gears...
An entirely new, mature look is within your grasp if you remember two things...
Black construction paper and a straw.

For those of you looking for motivation to file your taxes on time,

pink sunglasses make everything more fun.

Don't forget the most important accessory no fashionista should be without
night vision goggles (they go with absolutely everything).

Right now, people are looking for fashion with a meaning.  Conveying a message is important today.
Our model's kitty cat hat combined with wings and binoculars say, "I'm flexible.  I can just as easily fly like a bird as watch them or hunt them down and eat them".

Before we depart, bathing suit season is close enough to consider, we would like to leave you inside information on the hottest Hollywood diet of today!
A cold stick of butter harvested straight from the refrigerator door while your mother is distracted with sandwich fixings.

There you go.

Be beautiful!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Home Spa

Dorothy was carrying around a jar of baby food this afternoon.  Ariel, who has recently been bitten by a decluttering bug, asked me if we were done with baby food and could we get rid of the leftover jars.  "Nah.  Dot still uses them", I told him.  I then helped her open the jar she had in her hand.  She independently spooned one heap into her mouth and every following spoonful on to the top of her head.  She gently massaged it in.  You may be wondering just what I was doing when this was going down and why I wasn't stopping her.  I have two reasons. 
1) I have been accused of stunting Enzo's early development by smothering him and not allowing him to make mistakes.


2) At the time of the incident I was experiencing a comfortable numbness induced by the hydrocodone I was taking because of my oral surgery earlier that day.

I did, however, think to grab my camera so I could share this very Jonesie moment with you.

Dorothy still "uses" her baby food.

Rear View
She was careful not to miss a spot.

Friday, February 1, 2013

F*@&ing Bruce Willis

          I don't remember when it all began but thanks to Facebook, I have a record of when it happened last.  On January 4, 2013 I updated my Facebook status to the following:

When my husband begins a story with, "Ya know how I'm invincible?" I know I'm about to hear some shit that is going to make me sick. "The attic steps fell out while I was on them", "I used my ninja skills when I fell off the roof", "I flipped my tractor", "The power line was still live", and today, "A house collapsed on me". Jesus Christ.

     This afternoon I telephoned my husband to see when he would be climbing down off of his roof because I had a beautiful ham in the oven and he is the only member of our family who actually likes the stuff.  Due to several cell phones falling to their dooms, Ariel now leaves his phone in the truck when he is up on a roof' so I knew he wouldn't  answer my call.  I left a message about the ham and waited for him to call me back.

     And call back he did.  I answered our phone and heard, "Hello, Bruce calling".

     "What happened?" I sighed.

     Bruce Willis has been a thorn in my side since my early twenties when Ariel lost his first hair or two.  Instead of celebrating the millions of other dark, wavy, loyal hairs still residing in his scalp, he took out his clippers and shaved his entire head without a guard.  He rationalized this insane behavior by saying, "If Bruce Willis can do it, I can".  Now, a decade later, Bruce Willis has become Ariel's alter ego because he considers himself "Unbreakable".

     Bruce reared his shaven head today while our hero was putting a new roof on one of his rental homes.  One moment Ariel was working away and the next there was bunch of noisy commotion as the nails holding the plank Ariel was standing on gave way and he went flying off of the roof.  He must have remembered the summer he used a ladder as a pole vault for an Olympic landing off of another roof he fell from because today he grabbed a miraculously placed ladder as he dove to his death, and managed to swing himself into a position that enabled him to land on his catlike feet.

     For all of those concerned, yes, he has excellent life insurance.  Thank you.